I was studying Moldy Crab Lang and became very frustrated because, as you can tell by the fact that even it can't decide wether to be a plant or an animal, it has no idea what it wants to be. It couldn't decide wether to be FP or OOP, high level or low level, go or c (or even javascript); so it decided to be everything in it's own evil, mean, twisted way. It's type system looks super cool... at the beginning; then as the crab tries to go deeper into the ocean, the mold on it's back starts to die and rot and strangles the life out of the crab. (I'm not going to talk about lifetimes because I don't want anyone to blame me for lasting mental damage)
So, in an act of inordinate patience, instead of just throwing everything away, because I mean, you try and write:
<a number on
<a list inside
<a box set on
<an arrow floating in
<a river while riding an
<OCaml>>>>>>; (and yes, every crab rider reading this knows exactly what that means)
I decided to mull it over a bit.
As I kept thinking more about it, I had a epiphany: OOP is fake, and FP is a lie.
OOP is an entire ideal of how to orient your programming, but it's based on something that doesn't even exist.
Did you know that your computer has no idea what an object even is? It has no bloody idea. It doesn't understand TRUE or FALSE, has no idea what a float/double is, and couldn't even be bothered with the difference between a short and a char amongst other things. Here's a Hot Take: Your computer only deals in ones and zeros and their manipulation, period.
And don't get me started on FP. It is by far the best way to get in your own way while making yourself feel cool and take 17*longer. Also, and I dare you to tell me I'm wrong with a straight face, it has nothing to do how you computer does anything. (Don't lie to yourself)
I stewed in my own moldy crab soup for a while before deciding I would do something about it, my answer:
COP: Computer Oriented Programming, and CRAFT